The diagnosis
Grieving is a normal response to a loss. The loss can include the loss of
your previously healthy child, the loss of your normal daily routine, the impact
of the diagnosis on other family members, and the financial impact of the
diagnosis. The grieving process varies from person to person in terms of the
order in which one experiences the stages of grief, as well as the time it takes
to go through the stages of grief. The child with cancer, the parents, siblings,
and other family members, will all experience grief.
Grief is usually divided into five stages:
- Denial. Denial is a stage where people try to believe
that the cancer diagnosis is not happening to them, their child, or their
family. One may feel numb, or in a state of shock. Denial is a protective
emotion when a life event is too overwhelming to deal with all at once.
- Anger. Anger is a stage in which you understand the
cancer diagnosis and are very upset and angry that it has happened in your
family. One of the best ways of dealing with bursts of anger is to exercise or
participate in another type of physical activity. Talking with family and
friends, other parents who have a child with cancer, and the hospital staff,
may also be helpful. The child also needs to be able to express his/her anger
by therapeutic play, talking to other children, drawing pictures of how they
feel, or writing in a journal.
- Bargaining. Questioning God, asking "Why my child?" and
"What did we do to deserve this?" are common questions in this stage. It is
normal for parents to make bargains with themselves or God, in hopes that this
will make the cancer diagnosis go away. Guilt is a primary emotion during this
stage. Searching for something that you personally did, which could have
contributed to the cancer in your child, is all part of bargaining. Parents
tell themselves or God that they promise not to do something they previously
did (such as arguing with family members), or to start doing something they
have not done (such as going to church regularly), in exchange for their
child's cancer recovery. It is important to remember that there is nothing
that you or your child did which contributed to the cancer. It is no one's
fault.
- Depression or sadness. This is a stage in which the
diagnosis of cancer can no longer be denied and parents and children may feel
a profound sense of sadness. This is normal. It can be accompanied by physical
changes such as trouble sleeping, or excessive sleeping, changes in appetite,
difficulty with concentrating on simple daily activities, or feeling a
constant fear that someone else in the family will be diagnosed with cancer.
It is important to talk about depression with a healthcare professional such
as a social worker, or counselor, or meet with a support group to help you
cope with these feelings.
- Acceptance. Acceptance is a stage in which you have
accepted the cancer diagnosis and are at a point where cancer has been
incorporated as part of your life. You have made an adjustment to your child's
illness. This does not mean that you will never feel other emotions, but
usually families find that they are better able to manage their lives overall
upon reaching this stage. Going through the grieving process is the best way
to cope with a cancer diagnosis. By giving yourself, your child, and your
family permission to grieve, you will be able to cope.